Health Alert. Contact your HMO, Health Insurance Carrier
Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home,
and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer,
the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across
the room, then left.
night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang. He walked
slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.
The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The
same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in
the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the
big bug left.
night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was
standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap
on the living room floor.
day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding
can I do?" he pleaded.
much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy
Kreme. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man
said "Yes!" and Woman said, "I'll have another with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2
to size 10.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and
Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut
shrimp, butter dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak so big it
needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control
so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman
laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin,
sliced the starchy center into chips, deep-fried them in animal fats,
and added copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then Lucifer said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said "It
is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs.